Search for me in the man you love

Hemangini Das

the concept that girls could love girls seemed absurd to me at that age . apprenticeship concerning everything would be taught at school, even things which were not supposed to be in our minds. i grew up seeing people hurt people for no reason, they just seemed to be born that way. evil fixated in people’s minds like the thought of abandonment in orphans’ minds. maybe we bruise those who love in ways not fitting social norms. degrade something feeling like what’s supposed to be and what’s not is in someone’s hands.

was never that girl who had a thing for swing sets, but when i saw you swinging in them, like your happiness depended on how high you could go, and so you went higher each time you oscillated, almost made me concerned about you falling.

Didn’t take much to be your friend, seemed like you were just one of those sweet girls from school and not an angel as i had imagined you to be. but god for me you were something that was incomprehensible.

i wish i could talk about you. and i do. but not in the way boyfriends talk about girlfriends. was made felt that it was something to be concealed. i knew everything about her and how unfortunate it was that that was not mutual. that perhaps she didn’t know the one thing i wanted her to know so badly. wanted her to reciprocate so badly. and she left me in despair quite a few times. but mostly when she talked of imagining things with guys which I so desperately wished she imagined with me. perhaps the loneliest moment in my life was having to watch her fall in love with someone, and the pain of seeing the pieces of your beloved one’s life falling in place while yours fall apart is a misery i shall never be able to put in words.

and there was a reason. a reason for me having to suppress my feelings. my feelings which had almost turned to pain for me, for they had been stashed for so long and it burned my heart to be not able to fully show another person who i really am. to not be able to show to my male friends that I’m inclined towards girls, just as they are. if only they knew that I’m indifferent to them.

how unfortunate it is that I had to fall in love with the one person who is phobic towards the very thing which defines me, the very thing which makes me myself. but there was something to be learned, that people criticize a thing until they know what is really is. you see, these people walking around me, and the person i love, they think they know what homosexuality is don’t they? don’t they label it as something disgusting? but if we really come to think about it, is loving another person really a crime? what more is there? does it offend people? a thing which is criticized by someone not receiving pain from it, is as innocent as the person is guilty.

nobody lets live. show affection to your loved ones, and what do they turn you to? gay, lesbian and innumerable things which for reasons unknown they assume to be insults. not normalizing platonic affection towards the same gender is one of the most unfavorable things done by the human society.

and i could scream all i want to my mother about it, that why she’d marry a man when all she needed was a woman. why she’d bury her individuality, sacrificing a life which was meant to be hers. and she’d tell me that “they had forced the idea of banishing my sexuality from my mind so deep, that they failed to see that it was not a mere thought, but who i am. and you know that more than anyone don’t you darling?”

my mother, along with many people, had been deprived of the very thing she deserved. and maybe i was in the middle of witnessing the same thing happening to her daughter. perhaps if homosexuality is a crime, I’d rather be the biggest criminal alive than innocent. just when i had started to succumb to something so unlike me, i decided not to. for love not confessed might be one of the worst things which remain unknown. and i thought of writing a letter. but how do I write a love letter if words are not enough to describe you?

but you refuse to believe. you claim those words to be false, which have been on the tip of my tongue since years, waiting to be said to you. how unfair it is that when they’re finally let out, the worst accusation of them not being true is what they have to hear. you question their validity, and as much as I love you, you have no right to invalidate something the worth of which you possibly couldn’t conjure.

and i knew that this was a tale which was never meant to be fulfilled. for you’re homophobic, and I’m just the opposite. for I’m naturally inclined to love people who have caused me no harm, and you’re just the opposite. perhaps I was fooling myself when I thought that I knew what i wanted. perhaps i just wanted to open up about my flaws and insecurities be assured that I could be loved as who i am. and you never can provide that can you?