"I WANT TO LIVE; LIVE FOR GODS SAKE", I said to myself while my hands trembled, "THEY NEED ME; I NEED TO LIVE, ATLEAST FOR THEM."
Hey there, thanks for the love you showered on the previous stories I wrote. I am Ananya. Well today I will be describing my story. My war against PDD (Persistent Depressive Disorder) and an attempt to take my own life; which I conquered. Yes I was out of my mind you see, and thats exactly what antidepressants make you do. Medications, therapies rarely worked. Mom was super secretive about it. She thought if my family came to know about it, they would term me mad. That to be honest made the situation worse. I had no one to talk about it. I thought my friends would laugh about it; call me "attention seeker"; I was so scared that I didn't tell it to my bestfriends.
Let me tell you where it all started. I was bullied in middle school. Bullied to such an extent that I had started lying about my ownings to be accepted among the so called cool girls of our school. I started wearing makeup, to adapt the so called beauty standards. But that didn't stop the bullying. I was called a lier for making the same drawing like one of my classmate aka my bullies; in front of the whole class and guess what the class teacher was involved in that too; why? Because the cool girls took tuitions with our class teacher. That was stage one of my PDD. And they asked why I would cry at the smallest inconvenience. Well how do a 11 year old expresses that she is being strangled from inside.
2013, I just had hoped into the first year of teenage. My body was going through tremendous changes. If I had to remember, it was the month of July. Summer vacation was on. My cousin brother was staying at our place, he had some sort of exam; Just like any other pair of cousins, we shared a great bond. He was yes a lot elder to me but still we were close. Since I have working parents, they left for work one fine day and I guess that would still be my darkest day of life. My sister was playing outside with our neighbour's kid. I was at home alone reading a book. Suddenly I felt a touch that did not feel safe. I was old enough to know about safe and unsafe touch. He placed one of his hands on the chest and I shruged, while his other hands still on my pelvic part. I ran to my parents room. Probably to hide. He followed. And guess what a 13 year old gets to hear as a whisper into her ear, "DON'T LET YOUR MOM KNOW ABOUT OUR LITTLE SECRET". A stream of tear flowed down my reddish cheeks. That trauma pushed my PDD to the second stage. And they asked why I don't trust men? P.S He has paid to his deeds and served sentence in the jail as well. I feel in love with my best friend by the end of summer 2014, young love as well as stupid. I was so in love that I forgot almost every trauma I went through. He was supportive, caring and what I would define as a gentleman. We had a lovely relationship and you can imagine the closeness I shared with him. It was well very confidential but most of his friends knew. Just before I appeared for my matriculation examination; about 3 months before Feb 2017, I caught him cheating on one of my juniors and that left me broken. I locked myself up and cried continuously for 3 weeks, thats when I started medication for my diagnosed PDD. And they asked why I didn't beleive in relationships. I had a dreadful result in my matriculation. My mother was worried about the unknown. After I got enrolled in my old school along with my best friend, I decided to live life with a different perspective. Me and my bestfriend made some of the most awesome memories along with our new found friends (They are my family now) and my personality took at 360⁰ turn and changed me completely. I thought I was recovering inspite of minor rollercoaster rides amidst those 2 years. Me and my friends passed HS with flying colours, and we got ourself enrolled into different colleges and universities. Life was fun in college. Yes during the intial month of college I had to face some ups and down; I did suffer but it all got right. Oh Btw did I tell you I was dating someone?! Yes he was a bit older to me, successful and gorgeous. I shared a different bond of emotions with him. He stood by me whenever I needed him. He was there when my mother lost her brother, he cared and thats what I knew. It was then that the second wave of love hit me. Yes there are many unturned pages to this incident, but it would be deemed inappropriate in a public forum. Who knew he was the daydream dressed as my worst nightmare. My friends would often ask, "Ananya, you are sure this is not love right?", to which I replied ," No silly, its attraction", I lied. Because I feared they might get worried for me after they had heard about the failure of my past relationship and that I might get hurt. Again. I remember it was December. I just got done with my first ever semester exams. I was overwhelmed. I was planning trips with my what millennials term "Boyfriend", where we would go, and oh yes I was planning for his birthday. Christmas was nearing as well but what I got as a gift from his bestfriend was that I was just being a side chick all way along. He was cheating on me with not one but 2 girls. One who knew about my existence and one who didn't. Probably because she was too busy to stalk college students. The other was my senior. That hit me so hard that I had to go back to my medications which I stopped in 2018. I didn't eat properly, I became Anorexic. I lost weight. Gained eye bags. I barely slept. And thats when I decided to take my life. No, it was not because he cheated and we brokeup but everything that I had suffered from starting from the age of eleven. Yes 9 years of suffering and I wrote it all down on a paper in the middle of the night 2 days before Christmas. My tears had dampened the paper but the words were clear enough. I was sobbing so hard that my hands trembled and it was freezing cold. I read the letter once, went to my parents room where they were sleeping, looked at them for one last time, I looked at my sisters face, relaxed and probably dreaming sweets things. Could tell it by the tiny smile which crept on her face. I was still crying. All of a sudden I found myself on the ground trembling and saying to myself that I want to live. I thought about my mother who stood by me and smiled to encourage me when I was sad. "DO I SERIOUSLY WANT TO BECOME THE REASON FOR TAKING AWAY MY PARENTS AND MY SISTERS SMILE? DID I REALLY WANT TO TAKE AWAY THEIR HAPPINESS?", I murmured under my breath tearing the letter apart and threw it apart. And thats how I conquered my suicidal thoughts. Yes my family's happiness getting ripped came into my mind and I stopped.
You see my life is no less than a movie for me. Full of rollercoaster ride and what not. I have looked at life from then as a opportunity. Living each day to its fullest. And thats what you should do. Be kind to all cause you never know what they have suffered.
Well I was on medication till Feb 2020. Yeah I stopped taking it cause I want to live without it entangling me and a special reason, which might turn into a story soon. Lets see where life takes me. Till then, stay safe and be kind.