I forgive you

BY Zakia Tasnim Ahmed 

It has been exactly two years, three months since you le. A lot has changed duringthese mes, both for the good and for the bad. I have to say, you have missed a lot ofthings. You don’t get to experience a world lockdown everyday. But #rst let me ask you,how are you? And more importantly, where are you? Wherever you may be, I hope youare happy and contended, happier than the me when you were here. That’s what youwere looking for, weren’t you? I do not understand why you did whatever you did but Ihope you had a good reason for it.

A few months earlier, I had a dream about you. I have dreamt about you before, butthose were mostly nightmares. But that dream was actually quite good. You had comeback to your sister and me and you showed us around your world. It was extremelybeauful. You told us you were happy and peaceful in your world. You said that weshould move on too. It was that dream that actually convinced me that it was me forme to move on ahead. Before that I could not even forgive you for what you did.

That day, when everything happened, the teacher took away your sister from the classroom. She was sent home. I was so confused about what happened. When I returned home and called your house, I found out what you did. I don’t really remember what exactly happened but next thing I know was that I was screaming at the top of my voice. The rest of the day, I was numb with shock, anger, grief and all other negative feelings you can name. I made an extra prayer for you so that you maybe in peace and also because I wanted to find peace from all those emotions. But it took me two years to find that. I was completely broken. You must be surprised as to why I was so depressed and why I had so much of an effect on me when I am not even a family member? Well, honestly I asked myself that same question several times. That’s when I remembered that I did not just consider you as my best/childhood friend’s elder sister, I considered you as my sister as well. A lot of times you were my second sister. You have acted as one from the very beginning. I loved you dearly. Another reason why it affected me so much was because I was scared. I was scared someone else whom I love would do the same thing as you. I was scared that I would lose another loved one. I was scared if someday I could do it too. That’s when I got even sadder. And that’s when I started hating you. For what you did to your family, to your sister, to me and more importantly to yourself.

But don’t worry, I forgive you. Remember, all of our childhood memories? When all we cared was about having fun and nothing else? When we would play together every evening after school? You used to be the leader of the games. Remember, when we went to our trips together with our families? We used to watch Vampire Diaries in the backseat, fangirling about the character called Jeremy. And that time when we went wandering about in the desert, peacock hunting and clicking pictures with the ladies? I wonder if you thought about these good memories before doing what you did. Was it not enough to stop you?

But I am still forgiving you. Do you want to know why?

I had been thinking why you did what you did. I thought a lot, read a lot of philosophical books, trying to find the answer. But there is no point in searching for that answer. It is just a silly waste of time. And I just know that whatever you did was just a very, very bad decision. I have come to realise that life is not only just about making a career, or all those big exams and scores. It is more than that. It is about happiness, challenges, finding love and living every single moment. It is not about doing a big job and having loads of money, it is about doing what you love and enjoying your work, like I am doing right now. Writing. I was scared that when I have to face the same situation as you then I too will break down. But when the situation came, when that big exam came to my life, I survived. And guess what? It was not really that bad. I actually enjoyed it. I don’t care about my results because I already earned my victory by surviving the situation in which you gave up. It has been two years three months since whatever happened. I am happy with my life. I am not scared anymore, nor am I trying to find answers. I can sleep at night and don’t get any more nightmares about you. I believe that every human being comes to Earth with a mission. When that mission is fulfilled they move on. You too came with a mission and you have fulfilled it. You have taught us many lessons, taught us to be stronger, taught us about life. You were my role model and have given me a lot of good memories which I will always hold on to. I still love you with all my heart and still consider you as my second sister. But most importantly I forgive you.

I hope you do receive my letter. But don’t be surprised about it. I hope you are happy and in peace. I hope you found what you had been looking you. Finally, after two years, goodbye.

Yours sincerely

Izzy